Trouble for Vimes
by Ru
Summary: Vimes gets into trouble.
1. Chapter 1

Discworld fan fiction.

Vimes/Vetinari

Disclaimer: None of this is mine; I'm just having a bit of fun for no monetary reward.

Vimes stood at attention, but vetinari ignored him, he coughed, Vetinari still ignored him. He shifted and Vetinari ignored him. He scowled and got nothing, not even a raised brow. If there was one thing he hated, it was being ignored. He shifted again in a rather pointed way; vetinari did not even glance at him. Time for drastic measures, he thought.

"Sir." He interrupted.

"Yes Sir Samuel?" came the bland reply, from a clearly disinterested patrician.

"Can I go now?" vimes said bluntly.

"No" replied Vetinari.

Vetinari then turned and was again immersed in conversation.

Vimes scowled again, It didn't look hopeful that he would make Sybil's little engagement. It didn't look like his master was going to release him anytime soon. In fact he had a nasty feeling that Vetinari had found out about a certain incident from last week. An incident, which had not been his fault, well not all his fault anyway, in fact it could have happened to anyone. It would certainly explain why he had been forced to sit in on this interminable meeting, that was achieving nothing but schedules for further meetings. He had the awful feeling that Vetinari was rather more upset about the bald-faced lying he had done to Vetinari than the actual incident itself. This was an awful feeling because he actually felt some guilt about this. His master was not a man he would, in normal circumstances, consider lying to. Mainly because he could never, in even his most optimistic imaginings, get away with it. He had only done so this time due to sheer desperation, his reputation had been at stake after all, and he would die rather than seem incompetent to Vetinari.

"Well Vimes," said the man to his right.

"What is your opinion on the matter?"

Vimes was suddenly aware of silence throughout the room as everybody, including his boss stopped talking, in order to gaze at him. He reminded himself that he in no way cared what the so-called nobs thought of him. This was good, as he was about to make a complete fool of himself. He was going to regret tuning the idiots out.

"I'm sorry," he said

"Which matter are we talking about exactly?"

Three hours later and the meeting was only just breaking up, Vimes had a nasty feeling that Vetinari had allowed an extra long meeting especially for him. He certainly did not believe that Vetinari would tolerate those idiots for 5 hours every week without a very good reason. He had a feeling, that this week, that very good reason was Vimes himself.

"Ah Sir Samuel, perhaps we could have a word?" came a voice in his ear.

"Yes Sir" Vimes said woodenly.

"My office ten minutes." came the reply.

Vimes turned "Sir?"

The patrician, however, was down the corridor in deep discussion with a clerk. Vimes sighed, he was clearly in deep shit. On the plus side though, Vetinari was no longer ignoring him. On the negative side, Vetinari was no longer ignoring him and this could become a major problem.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I own nothing and no one, etc etc. This all belongs to Terry Pratchett.

Vimes walked down the street whistling, life was good. The weather was great, there had been no major trouble for at least three days, Sybil had forgiven him and best of all, there were no meetings he was required to be at, for at least the rest of the day. All he had to do now was hand his weekly report in and then he could spend the rest of the day with little Vimes junior.

One hour later, his good mood rapidly diminishing, Vimes was still sat in the patrician's antechamber awaiting an audience. Sybil would be pointedly forgiving towards him if he missed his anticipated afternoon with the kid, an occurrence that didn't bear thinking about.

"The patrician will see you now." Said Drumknott, coming in through a side door.

"Good for him." Replied Vimes nicely.

"Glad he could spare the time from his undoubtedly busy schedule."

Drumknott looked as if he was waiting for the other shoe to drop, he knew Vimes. Vimes however had decided that nothing and nobody was going to ruin his good mood, come hell or high water. Plus the bastards wouldn't expect it; he might even get a rise out of Vetinari if he played it right. He grinned. Drumknott jumped six inches.

"Is everything alright sir?" he asked.

He had never seen Vimes actually smile before, especially not after waiting an hour for the patrician. Vimes' smile widened, a whole new avenue of inflicting terror on people was opening up before him.

Inside the oblong office, Vetinari was sitting. He appeared to be making a point of doing nothing. Just the sort of thing that would normally drive Vimes right up the wall, Vimes smiled. He could sense he was on the way to victory, a pointless victory true, but he would take what he could get.

"Afternoon sir" he said pleasantly

Vetinari blinked. Vimes smiled even further, that blink was practically an admission of surprise.

"Sir Samuel." Came the response.

"You seem especially cheerful today," Vetinari stated looking mildly interested.

"Sir?" he replied.

"My weekly report sir." He added, still smiling.

Then to his surprise, Vetinari smiled back.

"Thank you Sir Samuel. Was there anything else?"

"Sir?" he answered

"Yes Sir Samuel?"

"You're smiling sir," said Vimes

"Thank you Sir Samuel, I am well aware of this, is there some problem arising from my smile?"

Vimes gulped, the patrician was smiling. Vetinari was not supposed to smile, how has his plan of terror going to compete with Vetinari's. His gaze sharpened, he hadn't lost yet.

"I'm just glad to see you are happy sir," he said in the nicest tone he could possibly manage.

"Why only last week Sybil was worried that you were lonely, up here all alone." He added snidely. Retrospectively he thought he might have gone a bit too far here. He wished he hadn't started this. Especially since the patrician had only just forgiven him last weeks offence.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Usual disclaimers: None of its mine.

The patrician looked up, to see a smiling Vimes come through the door, a rare event indeed. It looked like his commander wanted to play. Far be it for me to disoblige, Vetinari thought and promptly smiled back. The sort of raw determination that so defined his commander swiftly followed a look of terror. There was no possible chance of Vimes winning this little game, but Vetinari always liked to encourage him anyway.

"I'm just glad to see you are happy sir, why only last week Sybil was worried that you were lonely, up here all alone." Vimes trailed off.

Vetinari merely raised an eyebrow, mildly annoyed at such impertinence. His commander somehow managed to squirm without moving a muscle; he looked like a man who had stepped off a cliff in the mistaken belief that he could fly. Inwardly Vetinari smiled.

"Indeed commander?" he questioned.

"Sir." Vimes fell back onto emergency measures, smile forgotten. Vetinari didn't look upset, but looks could be deceiving.

-----

Vimes trudged through the rain, he was cold and wet and all he really wanted was to go home. His whole day had been a nightmare; tonight would be the icing on the cake, Vetinari had decreed his presence vital at a diplomatic function. Vimes wasn't sure if he was being punished again or if Vetinari really expected trouble. He had the niggling suspicion that it might be the latter. He hadn't even seen Vetinari since two nights ago when his latest attempt to annoy the bastard had failed. He wasn't ready to give up on the idea though; he just needed to practice a bit more, which was why he had spent the last couple of days being extra nice to his subordinates. The only watch person currently not waiting for the other shoe to drop was Carrot, who hadn't appeared to notice any difference. Vetinari wouldn't know what had hit him; Vimes was going to win this little battle, for he had a secret weapon - Sybil.

-----

He was rethinking his plan, if he had to smile at one more bloody ambassador he would scream, or bite them. Nothing was worth this, not even getting one over on Vetinari, who didn't appear the least bit fazed by his ongoing campaign, the bastard. In fact he had the sneaking suspicion that Vetinari was amused by him, particularly when a young man called Ronald latched onto Vimes like a limpet, every time he was about to yell at him to go away he caught sight of Vetinari lurking about, looking smug. Somehow, without his realizing it, the game had changed and his master was winning. If only he could find Sybil.

Next thing he knew, some demanding old crone and the limpet had manoeuvred Vimes into a corner. From what he could tell, the two were related; he did not want to know how. Casually he glanced around the room, Sybil was still missing and the only other person in the room he knew and didn't despise was Vetinari. He wasn't that desperate for help though, or at least he wasn't till the crone actually tried to sell her grandson, or whatever he was, to Vimes in a way that would have been prostitution in any other social class. She seemed to be under the impression that a duke would do very nicely for her little Ronnikins, even a married one. Vimes was under the opposite impression.


End file.
